4 AM
by TinkerBellTing
Summary: Post 47 seconds, but going AU: Castle feels alone, and unworthy. In the days after finding out Beckett's secret, he is blindsided by another revelation in his life, and turns to the only person he wants to believe he can trust, despite recent events.
1. Chapter 1

**This is my first foray into the Castle fanfiction business. This is post 47 seconds, ignores the promos for next week. It's in the days following 47 seconds... it IS a "fix it" fic but it's not just about Castle and Beckett's problems. I got this idea before i saw 47 seconds, but it still works as a post-ep fic. Won't be more than 2 or 3 chapters. I hope you enjoy, please R & R!**

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><p>It was late. He'd been walking around for hours at this point. That's what he'd suspect anyway, judging from how damp his coat is and the thinning of crowds on the streets. Not that the time really matters. If time matters, then so do the dozens of phone calls and text messages he's felt his phone alert him to receiving, the alerts he ignored. Doesn't she understand he needs time?<p>

He nears the park; in the distance he can see a couple sitting on a bench, staring out at the water. They look content, peaceful and the idea seems to be a foreign concept to him. He still can't believe it. His little girl.

It's been a terrible week for him, first the bombing case, and overhearing Beckett's confession- he still can't believe that. Can't believe the one woman he thought would never hurt him or betray him the way his wives had; he'd finally put his faith and hope back in love, in a third chance. And it was ripped away so quickly.

He knows she hasn't figured it out yet; she has this adorable- no- he corrects himself, she has this annoying little crinkle between her eyes when there's something she doesn't understand going on. He knows she doesn't know, doesn't know that he has finally been let in on what goes on inside Kate Beckett's head. She doesn't know that he's aware she heard his words of love; doesn't know he knows she's a liar.

And part of him hates himself, because even thinking of her as a liar makes him want to jump to her defense- from himself, from his own thoughts. It's been four days since then and he's managed to stay busy and avoid going to the precinct. Sometimes writing is a lovely excuse to get out of things he doesn't want to do, and this way he can get himself together before he even attempts to be in Beckett's orbit again. He thought he'd be safe hiding out at home. He had no idea that his only daughter was about to blindside him this way.

He still can't believe it. Alexis. Alexis Castle. She's barely 18. He knew she was going to college, he knew Ashley and her had been serious and that she'd taken the break up badly. Was he this stupid? Was there something about him that allowed every female in his life to lie to him without concern for his feelings? And why wouldn't they want his input or help on things? He was a good father, a good friend. Right? Or was he? Was there something intrinsically wrong with him? Maybe his ex wives had something right about him.

Hell, maybe he wasn't a good judge of character; maybe he didn't know how to read people, Sophia certainly proved that. He clearly never knew her at all and he had slept with her! He had followed her around for a year! And still, she was lying to him the entire time.

And Beckett, he really wants to believe that she didn't lie to him because she didn't trust him, or because she doesn't feel the same way. All those looks and that time spent together, did "always" mean nothing? He just can't understand, and is left with these horrible assumptions, each worse than the next. He knows Beckett is nothing like Sophia; Beckett is loyal to the end and the definition of his perfect. Is that his problem? He idealized the idea of her so much that he was blind to reality of who she really is?

Maybe what's worse is that her lie has made him doubt if he knows who she really is. He, who prides himself on reading insight into people, he who has written books based on her… if he doesn't know her, does anyone? Has she shared parts of herself with others she hasn't shared with him? Is it all an act? A game?

No. He refuses to believe he doesn't know Kate Beckett. Refuses. If he doesn't know Kate Beckett then… he stops walking, looks up at the sky… then maybe he doesn't know himself. Is that what all of this is saying? It's time for some introspection?

No. Beckett isn't even the issue anymore. Somehow, someway, the romantic in him knows that if it's meant to be it will be. And if the past four days of texts and messages and calls from her, all of which he has ignored, are any indicator, then even if Kate Beckett doesn't love him in return she certainly wants him in her life. Not being in her life at all is a reality he is unwilling to contend with.

The real issue is Alexis. Alexis Castle. How could she… He can't even think about it. His own thoughts, his own mind is turning against him, refusing to give him words to verbalize his feelings.

He pauses at a street sign to wait for traffic lights to change and only then does he realize where he's walked. All the way from his loft in Soho, like a magnet within him acted as a compass to bring him as close as possible to the woman in possession of his heartbeats.

He glances up at the building, counts 5 up, 3 to the right and sees a light on. Maybe it would be creepy if he were anyone else, but he likes knowing exactly where Beckett is when she's inside her house. He likes knowing that the light he can see from the street indicates she's still up and in her living room.

His legs carry him towards her door, and he gets lucky, someone is leaving, just as he wants to enter. Unfortunately it's not just "someone"- it's Lanie Parish.

Castle pauses as he grips the door, holding it open shortly after it was swung in his direction. Lanie pauses in the doorframe, her eyes gazing at him like he's evidence to be examined.

"Dr. Parish," Castle tries to sound like his normal charming self and can hear the difference and failure in his attempt.

"Castle," Lanie responds after a second, and then pauses. She glances up at his face, taking in his expression and then looks him up and down, silently noting his rain soaked appearance, "You headin' up to see my girl?"

Castle almost laughs- wants to say no, he had no intention of going to see "her" girl- but knows anything other than the truth would be a bad idea, this week has taught him that much at least.

"Ugh, I wasn't," his writer brain is trying to find words, "I wasn't planning on it. Not tonight. But then I…" he trails off, looks back at the street and sees that a cab has pulled up, "I ended up here. I do that sometimes."

Lanie nods slowly, her expression not changing from what he can only describe as protective.

"Okay," Lanie acknowledges the cab with a wave and holds up a finger to ask them to wait, "you go see our girl Castle, you go see her and explain to her what the hell has happened with you guys this week because the Beckett I just left is thoroughly confused. And hurt. Apparently you've ignored her all week."

Castle keeps his eyes away from making contact with hers; stares at the ground, at the wall behind her, at anything but the look Kate's best friend is fixing him with.

"I-," he tries but is cut off.

"Nuh-uh writer boy," Lanie's tone makes no apologies, "if you are going up there to see how much more you can confuse or hurt her, then I am not letting you in this door."

Castle sighs, looks up and finally makes eye contact with Lanie. He's surprised to note the hope in her eyes, like maybe she knows something he doesn't. "Has Kate talked to you?" She's already shaking her head, like he should've known not to ask, and he adds "I promise Lanie I'm not here to hurt her. I just," suddenly the ground is easier to look at again, "I really need to talk to her. Something happened with Alexis and Kate's always so," he can't even get the words out.

He needs Lanie to realize this isn't about his relationship with Beckett. He needs her to know he's seeking Beckett's counsel, and then he realizes that's what he's doing. He wants her help, because she's his partner, because she's helped him before with teenage girl woes. He really needs her, and maybe the fact that she doesn't need him matters less; maybe her lies matter less if she can just help him with this thing.

"Okay Castle," Lanie relents, seeing the despair on Castle's face and believing it could only come from something as major as his daughter- or Beckett, but that clearly isn't what is first and foremost on his mind, the man looks distraught and confused.

Castle looks up at her words, manages a nod as he passes by her in the doorway, but doesn't look back to see her stare after him as he reaches the elevator. Doesn't see her look to the sky, send up a silent prayer, and hop into her cab.

Castle is fixed on what's in front of him, and suddenly that's Beckett's door. It's strange how a door can be intimidating. An inanimate object wielding so much power; he knows he's procrastinating. That he should knock now, before she goes to bed, before she… before he figures out how to finish that thought. He stands, dares himself to do it and then he raises his fist and knocks, just as the light beneath the door goes out.

He exhales; he was too late. She was going to go to bed and ignore the knock.

But then the light comes back on and he hears movement inside, hears the deadbolt sliding open, and hears the voice he's missed for four days say, "I swear Lanie if you forgot your keys or something again…" but the voice stops and he looks up to see Kate Beckett standing there in yoga pants and a loose fitting blue shirt, her hair in a loose braid and a look of absolute surprise on her face that does nothing to hide the confusion underneath.

He says nothing; he knows he must look a mess in the unforgiving lighting of her building's hallway. He notices that she doesn't immediately move aside to invite him in; what had he done to hurt her this week again?

"Castle," she says quietly, calmly, as though trying to wrap her brain around the fact that the person avoiding her for four days has shown up on her doorstep late at night and soaked from the rain outside.

He finally manages to look up from the ground and meet her eyes, expecting to see anger, maybe even the feeling of betrayal reflect back at him; instead he sees relief and- dare he say it- love? Something more? He let's the hope in her eyes give him confidence enough to breath his next words, "Hi," he pauses, then realizes where he is, how late it must be, and how inappropriate it is for him to be there, and looks down. "I'm sorry. I know it's late. I know…" he cuts himself off, making eye contact with her again and says, "I'm sorry. I really need someone to talk to. I'm…" he shifts uncomfortably on his feet and when he moves his eyes to glance at the floor he notices her hand reached out towards him.

He stares at the hand, as though questioning its intentions, before he looks up to make eye contact with Kate. She steps closer to him, still extending her hand, "Come in Castle, you never need a reason to show up at my door."

The implication behind her statement is almost lost on him when he feels the warmth of her hand in his, pulling him forward, and hears the click of the door, followed by a louder noise indicating she dead bolted them inside her apartment.

"I," he breaths, taking note of the two wine glasses on her counter and recently blown out candles, incredibly thankful he ran into Lanie in the lobby so he knows it was she who was here, "I don't?" and then she's moving in front of him, grasping both of his hands in hers and he can feel her willing him to meet her eyes.

When he does he's shocked to see the swirl and depth of emotion she's reflecting, like she's taken off a mask and is letting him see what she feels beneath.

"Rick," she pauses and breaths, knowing that use of his first name must've caught his attention, "if you show up at my door, I will let you in."

He seems to realize this was hard for to verbalize and chooses not to read into it, to not force her into making any other declarations. Instead he lets her lead him by both hands towards her couch.

She pauses in front of her couch and turns her full attention onto him. Before he realizes what she's doing, the buttons on his wet coat are undone and Beckett's easing it off his shoulders.

"Sit down Castle, I'll go hang this up," she nods to the couch as she moves away from him, back towards the door where she hangs his coat up and seems to keep her hands on it a second more than needed, as though she's gathering her strength. When she turns back to him he almost blushes because it is so obvious he'd been watching her every move. The small smile on her face comforts him, reassures him, and makes him feel less embarrassed for staring at her.

She sits down on the couch next to him, folding a leg underneath herself and turning towards him, elbow up on the back out of the couch and her hand in her hair. He suddenly recalls the hotel room in LA and recognizes how they're mimicking their positions from that night.

"What's going on Castle?" Beckett's question comes softly, calmly, and it's in a warm tone, nothing like her interrogation technique.

He takes a second to gather himself, puts his hands in his lap and stares at the painting on her wall for a second; all that purple, all that confusion, of course it fits so well in her living room. He's thankful that Beckett doesn't appear to be impatient despite the hour, he hears her exhale and then he feels her hand on his knee. He knows it's intended as comfort and as mad as he wants to be at her, he can't take it as anything else; he's desperate for some comfort right now, in this moment.

"Kate," he pauses and he hates the crack in his voice as he struggles to get out the words, "is there something wrong with me? Is there a reason why every woman in my life lies to me and treats me like they can't trust me? That even my own daughter," his voice cuts out entirely and he can't bare to look into Beckett's eyes, so he settles for looking at the hand she has resting on his left knee.


	2. Chapter 2

**Thanks for all the positive feedback on this story. I can't stop now that i've started, so i'm posting chapter 2 right now. Hope you all enjoy and continue to read... this might turn into more like a 4 or 5 chapter story. it seems i've uncorked some sort of bottle.**

**enjoy!**

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><p>Chapter 2<p>

Beckett's breath catches in her throat. She wants to cry; what happened tonight to make this wonderful man doubt himself so much? What has him feeling this pain? She feels an ache in her chest that she knows is as heavy as the love she feels for him; any pain he is in is too much and she hates herself for knowing that she has likely caused at least some of it.

"Rick," she pauses, staring at the hand she has rested on his knee, "I'm not sure where you're going with this, but before you confide in me, before you tell me anything further there are a few things I need to tell you."

She sees him open his mouth to cut her off and squeezes his leg, "no, Castle, no," she takes a deep breath, "I need to say a few things and I need you to listen. You need to know that I trust you and that you can trust me."

She hopes Lanie is listening in somehow, and is incredibly thankful she had a chance to talk to her friend before Castle showed up tonight. She silently recites Lanie's words from earlier in the evening, "This is the moment Kate, so don't you blow it; you've made enough mistakes this year." She takes his silence as acquiescence, and forces herself to start talking.

"Richard Castle, you are quite possibly the most annoying man I have ever met," she waits until he looks to meet her eyes, then smiles, and continues, "Everything about you exudes things that other men only wish they could be. You're brilliant, warm, caring, you're so many things, and on top of that you're the best father I have ever seen."

He says nothing, and stares at his lap. She takes that as reason to continue, "and let me tell you right now Castle there is nothing about you that is remotely unworthy; if anything other people aren't worthy of your trust, of your loyalty. I've asked myself this question a lot over the past few years, I've wondered what your ex-wives saw in you that I was missing, because I couldn't believe anyone would divorce you." At this admission she feels the colour in her cheeks, but she perseveres, knowing he needs this, and knowing his needs need to come first this time. "Not the real you anyway, not the man I know you are."

"Rick I heard you," she pauses, breaths, waiting for him to look up, to meet her eyes with a questioning gaze, to do something; he does nothing, and continues to look at their hands. "I heard you tell me you love me when I was shot. And I hate myself for having to tell you I lied to you. But I need you to listen when I tell you that the reason I lied has nothing to do with you, but everything to do with me. I swear Castle, if I could have been ready for more then I would've but I knew even then that loving you wasn't going to be enough if I was still living with my mother's ghost."

At this he looks up, and she sees awareness in his eyes, knows that somehow, before tonight and before her confession on this couch, that he already knew she'd lied. But in this moment, that doesn't matter. He is a mess, a hot mess, but a mess nonetheless.

"Since the first day I came back to work you've been saving me over and over and you don't even know it Castle. It's astounding really. After three months of ignoring not just you, but everyone, I was just as messed up as I was the moment I woke up from surgery. I wasn't coping. I had nothing. I spent two months in a cabin with crickets for company, wishing I could just run away and hide from all my problems forever. You woke me up; you were there when I needed someone to tell me I was strong enough to come back, you were always there," she spits it all out as fast as she can, unwilling to lose her nerve even as she feels a tear slide down her cheek.

She's surprised when she feels his hand moving to hers on his knee, and for a split second she fears he's about to pry her hand away from him, but this fear is replaced with warmth when his fingers curl around her own. She meets his eyes and she sees him willing her to continue; she knows he needs this.

"Rick I went back to therapy that day, then and there. I owned up to my shrink that I had lied about what I had remembered; that I'd lied to you, to him, to Lanie, even to myself," it was strangely becoming easier to talk, the strength of his hand in hers like a beacon guiding her to the truth, "and then I wanted to tell you but I didn't know how; I knew then that I wasn't ready for the kind of relationship that would be unavoidable between us once we both acknowledged our feelings. We've always been like dynamite, just waiting for that final spark that lights the fuse."

She almost wants to blush at the admission that he's always turned her on, always had her at a certain level of want, but the hopeful emotion she reads deep in his eyes saves her from blushing, and makes her continue, "and then we had the sniper case and I realized a lot of things Castle. I realized that my mother would hate what I've done since her death; she might even hate it more than my father's drinking. Sure, he was trying to drown his sorrows and feelings in booze, but I was trying to become a robot and not feel anything at all, at least my dad was feeling. I was trying to ignore what makes me human, and I know my mother would never have wanted that for me. Until you came around, you made me human again, and you didn't even know it. Suddenly this vibrant presence in my life made me feel things I had forgotten existed; you made me human in this way I can't even explain."

She stops talking for a second and tries to gather her resolve; all of this emotional exposure is making her very uncomfortable. It seems he's noticed her vulnerability from the way he squeezes her hand and she's thankful that he is so in tune to her feelings. She watches as he blinks a tear down his own cheek, the look in his eyes making her feel as though this is the miracle he's been waiting for all his life; like she's a miracle.

"There's no excuse for not telling you sooner; I wasn't ready. I just wasn't. What I said on those swings was true then, I really did think I couldn't have a relationship until I put my mother's murder to rest. But the truth is Castle, I needed to grieve my mother's death and let her go, far more than I've ever needed justice. My therapist has helped me with that, and I think I'm finally at a place where I can let it go. I'd rather have you, and I'd rather you know how in love with you I am, Rick," she pauses as tears escape and she fixes her gaze on their hands. Finally she meets his eyes, and repeats, "because I am so in love you Rick and I don't know what I'll do if this stupid lie and this inability to move forward has cost me you forever. I only know that I'll be less than human, because you give me that; you bring me into existence in a way I'll never understand."

She feels her breath catch in her throat when she sees his eyes come to life in front of her, like the blue colour within them has just been reflected in the sun for the first time.

"You mean… you love me back?"

The doubt in his voice makes her heart clench and she can do nothing but grasp his hand with both of hers, meet his eyes, and reply, "of course I do."

He's quiet for a second, and then he's moving towards her and she feels his lips on hers. Fireworks have nothing on this feeling, this feeling of her stomach jumping, like every single neuron in her body is firing from the sensation of his touch and affection. The kiss is short, like he was simply affirming that it was real, and when they break apart they're closer on the couch than before. His hands are wrapped up in her hair; one of hers rests on his chest, the other on his cheek.

"So, now that I've exposed myself as a woman who has lied to you, do you want to talk about what brought you here tonight? Because I promise Castle that you are not unworthy of anything; love, trust, respect, you are worth more than that from any woman or man fortunate enough to know you," Beckett almost whispers this, but she wants him to know that no matter what, she's there. "And I will understand if you want to leave, I know you've been upset with me this week and I can see now that's a result of finding out I heard you. So if you're still upset, and you still-" her words are lost as his mouth finds hers again.


	3. Chapter 3

**Somehow this entire thing has taken on a life of it's own... what started as a 2 or 3 chapter fic turned into a 4 or 5 chapter fic, and suddenly i've finished up to chapter 9 and can't believe it. i hope you enjoy this chapter, please read and review! more to be posted tomorrow!**

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><p>Chapter 3<p>

He can't believe anything he's just heard, and then he kisses her and it's real; and then he kisses her again and it's still real. For a moment the feeling of her love covers him completely, and he's finally forgotten about Alexis and…

When he pulls away from her mouth, his entire body is filled with warmth at the smile he sees on her face. He's seen variations of this grin before, but never before has it been so encompassing, so open, and so completely directed at him. It almost gives him whiplash when he realizes what just happened. The love of his life, she loves him back.

He thinks about her words, her reasons for lying, and how much growth she must have been working through in order to get to this point. His own smile falters a bit when he remembers his own secret, and recognizes how that could throw a wrench in all of this before it even starts.

But his own secret has to wait, because right now he needs to talk about Alexis. He finally feels like he can breath again, like the love Kate has just given him has turned into strength, the strength he needs to have to be a father of an 18 year old girl who had a positive pregnancy test in the trash bin of her bathroom.

Kate seems to read his face well, but instead of moving away from him completely, he feels her legs resting sideways over his lap and her elbow return to the back of her couch to hold up her head. Her legs feel warm over his and she grabs his hand with her free one, and holds them on her lap.

"Okay," Kate says, still smiling but that smile has faded into concern, "now that we've…" she trails off and he almost laughs when he sees her blush, he never thought he'd be responsible for making Kate Beckett blush that way. He nods in response.

"Thank you," he needs her to know how much it means to him that she told him the truth before allowing him to put more trust in her. "I did overhear your interrogation, but…" he doesn't know how to explain his reaction, but knows he needs to tell her why he's ignored her all week. "I thought you lied because you didn't love me, because you thought it was a joke or something. I felt really stupid, so I thought ignoring you for a while would be best, at least until I figured out how to even attempt to get over you."

He's surprised when he looks up to find tears in Kate's eyes, and even more shocked at the words that come out of her mouth, "Rick Castle, you are a silly, silly man. You should have known I couldn't resist a ruggedly handsome fella like yourself for too long," she smiles despite her tears, and he knows she's trying to bring some levity into the conversation. He appreciates it, because that is what they do. He smiles, "Silly me."

Their eyes are fixed on each other for a few minutes of silence. He assumes she's doing exactly what he's doing, smelling the roses before he opens another can of worms.

"I found a positive pregnancy test in Alexis' bathroom," he spits out the words anxiously, like he's trying to get them out before they burn him alive.

There is shock all over Kate's face but she's quick to recover a stoic expression as she squeezes his hand in her lap. The hand that had been holding up her head moves to the back of his neck and he feels her gentle hand running through his hair, silently offering him comfort and warmth.

"Is it hers?" He hears the question, but doesn't even know how to respond. He hadn't even considered that it might not be hers. Who else could it belong to?

"I never even thought about it, I just figured it must be," he takes a deep breath as the words come out, enjoying the feeling of her fingers in his hair.

"You shouldn't assume Castle," she replies and he looks at her, as though wondering if she was talking only about this Alexis situation, or if she's making a point about the past four days. She seems to realize where his brain went, "I'm not taking a jab at you Castle. I'm just saying that with your daughter, I understand the reaction is to assume the worst, but just remember who your daughter is."

He nods, and believes her when she says her intention, but then his brain reminds him of other things that happened this week. "The morning after the bomb, she made these pancakes, they're our special 'cheer up' pancakes. She said we could both use them with the case and stuff, but what if…" he trails off, unable to finish his thought but it seems Beckett is on the same page as him.

"Castle you need to talk to her. It might not be hers. She has friends right? Friends who have boyfriends? Have you guys talked about her having sex? Do you know if she is? Has she been dating since her and Ashley broke up?" Her questions don't exactly catch him off guard, they're merely what his mind has been recycling in his head in the hours since finding that test, and in the hours he spent wandering the street until he found himself at her door.

"Maybe this makes me a bad father, but we haven't talked about her having sex," he shudders, noticeably, "we've talked about sex, talked about how she needs to be careful with her choices and basic safety and all that, but it was never in the context of her being actively doing it." He feels like he's going to throw up, and he assumes he looks that way too because Beckett's next move is to remove herself from the couch to grab him some water which he downs quickly. When she returns to the couch she curls up next to him again, as though she'd never left his embrace.

"So you had the basic teenage talk, but she's never told you specifically she was having sex? Not even when she was with Ashley?" He shakes his head in response to her questions, and is strangely comforted by her approach to this situation. Like she's working a case and trying to ascertain all of the facts before making an assumption or drawing a conclusion. It's strangely the opposite of how his brain works.

"Her and Ashley were together a long time in teenage years. 18 months or so, and I know he's older than her, I just never thought" he doesn't want to finish that thought. "I caught them on the couch once, just kissing, but that was early on in their relationship. It's possible my reaction would have discouraged her from thinking she could come to me and talk to me about the physical part of their relationship."

He sees Beckett bite her lip, and knows she wants the story of his reaction to finding his daughter on their couch with a boy. "It was during that case with the time traveling killer and antique guns. I may have had one in my hand when I walked through the door, and may have acted like a bit of a mobster towards Ashley until he left."

Beckett is holding back a laugh, but then lets out a small giggle before patting his chest gently and responding, "Yes I can see how a teenage girl might take that as a sign her dad is not ready to talk about her having sex."

They're both quiet for a few minutes and finally he asks her what he has wanted to ask her since he showed up at her door. "What do I do Kate? If she's really pregnant, what do I do?"

He hears the vulnerability in his own voice, and the fear, so he is not surprised when her response is quiet, gentle, and followed with a caress of his cheek. "You be there Rick, there's nothing else you can do. If she really is pregnant she must be terrified, and not just of the pregnancy but of having to tell you. She'd have to be a fool to not understand how much you love her, and you didn't raise a fool."

He knows she's saying the right thing, but he still can't grasp it, "My little girl Kate," he feels a tear escape his eye and hates himself for being so weak, "How can this be real? When did she get to this age? Why did she hide this part of her life from me? Why didn't she trust me enough to tell me what was going on?"

He knows she could take his questions personally, as an allusion to her lies, but he is glad she seems, like always, to be on his wavelength and understand his meaning.

"Castle she's young. She's probably terrified. And I know I told you before I had a bad girl phase, but I was also always very close to my parents and I still never told them when I started having sex. My mom caught me out on it one night when I'd arrived home less than sober and on the back of my then-boyfriends motorcycle. But I was 17 and thought I was grown up enough to do what I wanted without my parents influence or permission," Beckett answers his questions softly, and then adds, "but it didn't mean I loved my parents any less, or trusted them any less. Looking back now I think it was because I didn't trust myself and I think I knew even then I wasn't ready for what I was doing. But teenagers are rarely prepared for the trouble they get themselves into."

He nods, and thinks of his teenage years and all the crappy and stupid things he did, "I guess perspective is something you gain with age. I just never thought of Alexis as one of those teenagers. She's always been so mature and old for her age, I never thought she'd blindside me with," he pauses, knowing he's about to call it a mistake and decides to change his wording, "something like this."

Kate nods, and he knows she has read between the lines, knows exactly what he means, and he is thankful she doesn't seem to be judging him for it.

"Castle you really need to talk to her. It won't be easy and it won't be pretty, and I know you're terrified and in shock, but imagine how she must be feeling right now. Does she even know you found that test?" Beckett's words seem to get through to him, and some of the fog in his brain clears when he realizes how scared his kid must be.

"No," he shakes his head and looks down, almost shameful before he admits, "I found the test, I assumed the worst and I ran out of there." He meets her eyes and he can tell the words _just like in the precinct_, are unsaid but felt between the two of them.

She nods, "Okay, here's what we're going to do," his eyes spark interest at her use of 'we,' and he knows she's noticed how much attention he is paying to her next words.

"It's now 4AM. You're a mess," she smiles at him and he takes that as assurance that she doesn't mind his current state, "so you and I are going to go into my bedroom," he loves that she pauses for dramatic affect, "and we are going to sleep."

He opens his mouth, wants to respond that he should really go home, but the words are lost before they leave his mouth when he realizes what she has just offered him, and she isn't finished yet.

"We are going to sleep Castle, and in the morning I'm going to call Espo and let him know I will be taking a personal day. Then you and I are going to go over to your house, and I am going to sit in your office while you talk to Alexis. And once you find out what is true and what is not, I am going to be there to give you a hug," her words are spoken with a confidence he's so thankful she's feeling. And he's so thankful she isn't leaving him alone in this, and that she'll be near when he needs her.

Before he comprehends what's going on, she's standing up in front of him and offering him both hands. He takes the invitation, and allows her to pull him up from the couch where his pants have left a bit of a damp mark as a result of walking in the rain. Before they move he feels her arms around his neck, and a gentle whisper of a kiss on his lips.

"No matter what happens Rick, I'll be there," she whispers the promise as she holds him close, and he swears his heart is about to beat out of his chest, and can't believe the soothing affect her affection can have on his entire being. When she pulls away, she keeps his hands in hers and blinks slowly, taking in the moment. "Come on, my bedrooms this way," she gestures with her head, and rotates the grasp she has on his hands to let her lead him in the direction of a door he's never been so lucky as to enter.

"Wow if I'd known showing true emotional devastation would get me through this door I would've gotten my kid knocked up years ago," he can't believe the joke as it comes out of his mouth just as they're crossing the threshold into her bedroom. She turns, and he sees a glint of laughter in her eyes, but it is clouded by the much more serious expression of her mouth. She doesn't comment, and he's glad she seems to recognize his foot-in-mouth issue for what it is; a deflection of emotions he can't seem to contend with.

He's tired of these non-verbal conversations, and wants to start a new trend in their relationship, "I'm sorry. I'm doing what I always do. I'm feeling so many different things right now that I'm trying to make jokes about it. Knowing you love me, and knowing you want to be with me is about as emotionally disruptive as this situation with Alexis, just in an entirely different way."

Her hands move to his chest and he loves the look in her eye when her gaze is fixated on only him, like he's the only man she's ever loved. "I understand Castle. It's what you do. And I understand how much you're feeling to a certain extent. I never thought we'd get here; it's scary, and huge. And you're going through something else huge too. I get it," her response is gentle, and he appreciates it, appreciates the feeling of her hands on his chest while she says them.

He nods, and that seems to be enough.

"Now take off your pants," her voice cuts through the silence and he has to do a double take in his head, make sure he heard her correctly. When he looks at her eyes he can see the laughter bubbling beneath the surface, and yet he still doesn't comply, or really even comprehend.

"I'm sorry, did you just tell me to take off my pants?" At this she actually laughs out loud and somehow he's grateful that even in this dark state he's in, she is there, and she can smile and make him want to smile in return.

"Castle your pants are really wet. I didn't notice before but you're going to have to take them off if you want to crawl into bed with me," he sees now that she's going through a bureau, and taking out what looks like pajamas.

"Your pants won't fit me," he says seriously, why else would she be grabbing clothes?

She giggles, and it's a sound he knows he'll never get sick of hearing, "No Castle, thankfully, my pants would not fit you," she smiles and moves closer to him, "and I should hope you wouldn't want to try them on."

He shakes his head, smiling at her, but still confused.

"I'm going into the bathroom to change my pants because sitting with you has gotten me all wet," he gasps, and knows that was exactly her intention, always such a tease.

"You mean…" he trails off and suddenly fantasies of Kate on her couch, completely naked are dancing through his closed eyes and just when it's about to get really good he hears her laughter, and opens his eyes, cutting his fantasy short.

"Castle I was practically sitting on your lap. My pants are wet from your pants. I am changing my pants in the bathroom, and when I come out I expect you to be ready for bed. Take off your wet clothes," she shakes her head as she moves past him and only stops when he responds.

"Why do you have to change in there Detective? Are you scared if you don't you won't be able to control your reaction to my manly posterior?" He's never been more thankful for the woman that Kate Beckett is, this woman with such ability to go from comforting to tease to friend to lover- gulp, hopefully lover, hopefully lover really soon.

She turns in the doorway to meet his eyes and he can't believe the fire in her gaze. She says nothing to correct his statement about his irresistibility, just raises an eyebrow with a coy expression on her face and turns to continue into the bathroom. He notices she doesn't close the door entirely, and wishes desperately he had a better angle. After a few seconds of fantasy he knows he better shuck off his clothes quickly if he wants to be, as she said, 'ready for bed.'

When she comes out of the bathroom he's sitting on the edge of her bed. He looks up when he hears the bathroom light click off and he's sure she's never looked more beautiful. She comes to stand between his legs and puts her arms around his neck. He sees nothing but love in her face and he can't believe that it was only hours ago he was sure they'd never get here, and never have moments like this.

"It'll be okay Castle, no matter what, it'll work out."

He would have expected her words to sound hollow, but somehow they don't, instead they seem to be exactly what he needed to hear. He leans forward and buries his face against her stomach, his arms winding around her lower back as he breathes her in. He can feel her arms around his neck and her hands tracing patterns on his upper spine. It makes him feel precious, loved, and trusted; three things he thought himself not worth of only hours ago. This woman who can shake his entire world in a matter of hours, this woman…

But it's too late now for thinking about all the ways that Kate Beckett amazes him. It's too late, and he is too tired, and he knows she must be too. He suspects she hasn't had much sleep this week because he knows he hasn't.

As though she heard his thoughts, Kate pulls back from their embrace. He feels her hand ghost over the shell of his ear as she looks down at him.

"Hop in Rick," she smiles as she indicates to the covers on her bed. She moves away from him and climbs in the other side. He realizes then that she's waiting for him to come out of his daze. He folds back the covers and crawls underneath, and is very thankful when he is rewarded with her moving towards him. Her hand caresses his chest, her face rests gently on his shoulder and pillow, and he finally exhales a long, deep breath.

"My alarm is set for 8am. We can catch a few hours before we go to your place," she rubs a hand on his chest, closing her eyes and he can hear her breathe him in.

"Until tomorrow Kate," he says as his eyes gently close on her face.

He doesn't see Kate's eyes open to gaze in his direction, doesn't see the infusion of comfort and love that came from his words. So different from the way he left her four days ago in the 12th. Kate exhales, and whispers into the darkness, "Until tomorrow Rick."


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

When she wakes up and sees his face resting next to her on the pillow she feels warmth spread through her entire body, stretching to each limb and fingertip. For a second she wants to look for handcuffs, and almost giggles at the thought. She sees the clock on the bedside table over his shoulder and notices the alarm isn't going to go off for a few minutes. She looks at the man her arms have found their way around during the night, and is so thankful he's there with her.

She was surprised that he already knew her secret, but in reflection she realizes she should have put that together sooner. She should have known he wouldn't have been acting so out of character towards her if there hadn't been a good reason. It makes her heart clench that he assumed the worst of her, assumed she'd never love him in return.

Thank god Lanie had been at her house last night, thank god Lanie had given her the strength to tell Castle the truth. Hopefully last night was a step towards mending that friendship as well, Dr. Burke would be proud.

As she sees the clock tick closer to 8am, she realizes she couldn't have been asleep for even a total four hours, and yet she feels quite rested. The security of having Castle with her and knowing she has him in her life finally allowed her to get some sleep. The look on his face is so pure and innocent, almost childlike in a way, when compared to the distress he was portraying last night. She almost doesn't want to wake him up, and wishes she could just let him be at ease, here in her arms.

But she knows this man. She knows Castle and she knows he is the best father she has ever seen, so she knows how important it is that he goes home to talk to his daughter.

The alarm starts to beep, and she hastily leans over Castle's sleeping form to turn the retched thing off. It is only when she has found the snooze button that she looks down and sees his eyes wide open, and his face smiling up at her.

"Good morning," he says and she can see that somewhere in that grin is a statement about how much he likes waking up to her on top of him.

"Sorry, the clock is on this side," she tries to explain her location, and can't get through it without blushing.

"You never have to apologize for being on top of me Kate," he grins widely at her and cups her cheek with his hand, "except maybe when trying to escape a tiger, handcuffed together."

She giggles at his joke and leans down, pressing her lips gently against his. It seems this isn't enough for him this morning and she feels him roll her onto her back. She likes the feeling of him on top of her, likes the strength his embrace exudes as his lips press against hers and his tongue makes its way into her mouth. She can't help the breathy moan that escapes her body at the feel of him surrounding her and invading her this way.

God it's been a long time. It's been forever since she has been embraced by a man, and way too long since she has felt Castle's lips on hers. The soft, but sure pressure and control he displays with his lips and tongue makes her think about other places he could touch, other places he could kiss, and lick, and suddenly the feeling in her stomach turns from butterflies to lust.

At that thought she tenses, and he pulls away, hovering over her. There's a question in his gaze, and she knows he felt her body tense. She's having a hard time with words; the pressure of their upper bodies resting against each other and the passion in his eyes is far too distracting.

When she recovers enough of her self control, she grimaces, "Rick I want this, I want you, but I really don't think we have time right now," she says it quickly, hoping her tone conveys her reluctance to stop, because she would love to rip off her clothes, rid him of his boxers and spend the entire bed reacquainting herself with sex and learning the topography of his body, his very distracting, deliciously muscled body.

Recognition comes through his gaze, and she hates herself a little bit for having to put reality back into his life. He leans down and rests his forehead against her shoulder, "Can you believe I nearly forgot? Waking up with you is very distracting." He whispers this in her ear and she hates that she has to dial back her desire for him, even though it's for the greater good.

"I know Castle," she breaths deeply, "trust me, I want to stay in bed right now as much as you do, but we both know that Alexis needs to come first." She lets her hands trace his bare back, shoulders and arms. He leans onto an elbow so they can make eye contact and she sees not just lust in his gaze, but love, and she knows no man has ever looked at her that way.

"This is why I love you Kate," he smiles and she knows her face is stretched into a large grin, "one of the many reasons anyway. I certainly don't have time to get into that right now."

She feels her cheeks heat up at his implication, and can only say a few important words in return, "I love you too Rick."

His smile went from gentle to extreme at her words, and his eyes bounced with joy.

At that moment the alarm buzzed again, stupid five-minute snooze button, bringing them both back to reality.

"Okay. We have to get up, I need to call Espo, and we need to go to your house," she says this with enough conviction that he sits up and moves toward the edge of the bed to stand. She does the same on her side, and goes immediately to finding clothes for the day. Once gathered, she heads to the bathroom, leaving Rick in her room to change. Before she closes the door, she can't help herself and has to turn and tell him.

"For the record Castle, waking up with you is something I really want to get used to," she smiles almost nervously when she says it, but she's rewarded with his body moving towards her. Their height difference requires her to look up at him when he stands in front of her, and as he rubs his hands up and down her arms, he simply says, "me too Kate." With a quick kiss, he turns back to her room to put on his clothes and she heads into the bathroom to change.

When she looks at herself in the mirror she notices how much more alive her eyes look than they did yesterday. She smiles at her own reflection, and sets about quickly getting ready for the day. After re-doing her braid, brushing her teeth, putting on a light layer of makeup and changing into casual clothes, she reaches underneath the sink to grab a fresh toothbrush.

As she reenters her bedroom she takes a second to observe Castle, who is sitting on the edge of her bed much like he was before bed last night. He looks deep in thought, and she is hesitant to interrupt him. He glances up when he hears her rest against the doorframe, and she makes her way towards him. She sits next to him on her bed, resting her head against his shoulder and taking his hand.

"Do you want to talk about it before we go?" she asks, knowing he must have a million thoughts right now.

"Thanks, but I think I just need to get some answers," he pauses and his voice is shaky as he breathes out, "hopefully some good answers." She doesn't need him to say what he means; she knows completely what he means. No father hopes for his teenage daughter to be pregnant, let alone having sex. There is a certain level of "don't ask don't tell" when it comes to discussing sex lives between fathers and daughters, she knows that much from her own experience.

"Okay," she squeezes his hand gently and lifts her head from his shoulder. "I put a new toothbrush on the sink for you, if you want to clean up a bit."

She can see in his eyes that he wants to make a joke about this, but he stays silent and makes his way over to her bathroom. She calls after him, "I'm just going to go call Esposito. Meet you in the living room." He responds with a quiet "okay" and she grabs her phone off her nightstand.

Taking a personal day isn't something she does often, but that doesn't seem relevant right now. She has plenty of time off accumulated and she knows Ryan and Esposito can manage without her for a day. She quickly presses speed dial number 5 and is thankful that Esposito picks up immediately.

"Hey Espo, I just wanted to let you know I won't be in today. I'm taking a personal day," she says it quickly, wanting to hurry the phone call along so she can get her attention back to Castle.

"Everything okay Boss? I know this week has been…" he trails off and she can picture the look on his face, quiet, hesitant, protective, and it warms her.

"I'm okay, I just have a personal situation I need to tend to. I promise. If you guys need anything just call me, and if not I'll be in tomorrow," she assures him and is happy when his only response is, "you got it Beckett." She says her goodbye quickly and looks up just as Castle walks back into the room.

"Hey," Castle nods towards her phone, "you get it all sorted out?"

She smiles and nods, "Yeah, and with minimal inquisition too. Espo must be losing his touch." Her phone rings in her hand and she sees the caller ID indicate Lanie is calling, "Or maybe he's just getting someone else to do his dirty work," she says with a wink in his direction.

She answers the phone as he walks towards her and wraps her in an embrace. "Hello?" it comes out a bit muffled because her face is buried in his shoulder, but she'd have it no other way.

"Girl you okay? I know Castle was there last night and Javi just told me that you called and said you took a personal day. I swear if that boy went up there and hurt you I will kill him. I told him he better not be-" She cuts Lanie off before a full on rant can start, and the gentle caress of Castle's hands on her back tell her he heard every word.

"Lanie everything with me is okay. I'm fine, I promise. I'm better than fine actually. I'm standing here in the arms of the man I love and I have finally told him the truth," Beckett leans back and looks into Castle's eyes as she says this, watching as his eyes light up. There's a loud squeal that comes through the phone that draws her attention back to the device in her hand.

"So are you two taking a personal day to get rid of some of that unresolved sexual tension? Cause I gotta tell you girlfriend I don't know how you've held out this long. I can't even imagine not having sex in-" Blushing, Kate quickly cuts her friend off again, noting the intrigue in Rick's gaze and choosing for the moment to ignore it, "Lanie can you please remember that I'm standing close enough to Rick that he can hear every word you're saying?"

They both hear a laugh come through the phone, and Beckett decides to have her own fun, "And by the way, how did you find out I'm taking a personal day? Is there anything you'd like to tell me about a certain ex-boyfriend being at your house this early in the day?"

That quiets Lanie's laughter, and Beckett isn't surprised when Lanie responds, "He phoned me Kate, he isn't here."

Castle rolls his eyes, smiling, and she can tell he's enjoying watching her interact with her best girlfriend, "Sure, sure," she pauses to let her disbelief be clear, then adds, "Lanie I know we have a lot to talk about but I really do have to go. I did take a personal day for a reason, just not the one you've suggested."

Castle squeezes her hips and she smiles at him, "Can I call you later Lanie?"

"Girlfriend you better call me later. Now go and get some lovin' from writer boy. Let me know if we need to upgrade his status to man," Kate laughs out loud at that, and Castle grabs the phone out of her hand.

"I assure you Lanie my status is man," Kate smiles at this and kisses his cheek, low, near his mouth, "But we have to go. Kate will call you later." Kate leans into the mouthpiece and says her own goodbye, and Castle clicks the phone off. Dropping his hands to wrap them both around her waist.

She stands in his embrace for a few seconds, just staring up into his warm face. "Okay, we should go. And we should definitely grab coffee on the way," she says reluctantly, and sees his hesitation as well.

"Thank you Kate," she shakes her head, knowing he doesn't need to thank her, "I know you don't usually take days off work, but I really need you today."

She smiles at his admission, "Always Castle. Always."

His face brightens, and he can't help but think back to the night before when he actually considered that the six letters she just uttered meant nothing to her, and feel foolish. He kisses her gently, and leads her towards the door. Once they're both in their coats and shoes, he pauses before opening the door and turns back to her, "This really happened right?"

Kate can't help but smile at his words, butterflies warming her stomach as she nods, "It really happened."

With that they leave her apartment, hands entwined, ready to take on the next battle.


	5. Chapter 5

**I'm off to classes for the day... so I figured i'd post another chapter before i go. I'll get another one up tonight too. Hope you're enjoying this story- the positive feedback is encouraging! so thanks to those who reviewed, and thanks to those who read without reviewing too, it's all appreciated.**

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><p>Chapter 5<p>

He cannot believe how much he doesn't want to go inside his own apartment. In one hand he is carrying a coffee, his other has Beckett's hand tight in its grasp. They've been standing outside the door to his apartment for a few minutes by this point, and he appreciates that she isn't rushing him inside. The patience she has shown him in the past few hours is remarkable, and he's never been more thankful.

"Okay, we should go in," he speaks aloud, but his words sound hollow, and unsure.

He feels Kate squeeze his hand a bit tighter, "When you're ready Rick, I'm not in a hurry."

He turns to meet her eyes and the look in them gives him strength. He leans down and brushes a chaste kiss against her lips, "Thank you," he says as he pulls away, while she shakes her head, biting her lip and concealing a grin. He knows she doesn't want his thanks, that she just wants to be there for him and that just makes him want to thank her more. Instead, he uses the positive feeling she's provided to garner the strength to turn his key, already in the lock.

The door opens with a soft click and he lets his hand lead her inside. They remove their coats and he takes note of how quiet the loft is this morning. "It must be early still, it's really quiet in here."

"Richard? Is that you?" He hears his mother's voice before Beckett can even reply, and he shoots her a glance and a small smile, she nods and he takes that as her willingness to follow his lead. With their hands entwined they round the corner into the kitchen where his mother is sitting with the paper, drinking coffee like she would on any other day. Different from any other day though, is the look of surprise and happiness that comes across her face when she takes in Kate's presence.

"Kate, darling," she gets up from her stool and wraps Kate in a hug that is mostly one sided as Kate didn't release his hand from her grasp.

"Hi Martha," Kate says and he can tell she's a bit shy at being welcomed this way by his mother into his home, even though it seems his mother does this every time she sees her.

"I am so happy to see you here this morning dear," his mother's entire face is bright and cheerful when she turns her gaze on him. Her smile falters a bit as she takes in his face, but he shakes his head.

"Don't worry mother, my current mood is completely unrelated to Kate," he smiles as Kate squeezes his hand and he is glad she understands his meaning. "Have you seen Alexis this morning?"

Martha seems to want to ask questions, to say more, but instead she simply responds, "I thought I heard her get up a while ago but I haven't seen her yet today."

He nods, and looks back at Kate, hoping her face will give him some kind of reassurance. She smiles at him in a sad sort of way, as though she knows he's about to leave her in the kitchen with his mother for company while he goes to sort out his daughter. She nods at him, telling him it's okay as she squeezes his hand. Their silent conversation is interrupted when Martha abruptly says, "Sorry I can't stay and figure out whatever it is you two are up to, but I have a class to teach."

"Oh don't worry mother, there will be plenty of opportunity for you to catch up with Kate," a true smile crinkles his face when he says it, because he knows it's true. Kate will be a permanent fixture in his life, and his mother can hound her for details another time.

Martha smiles at the implication of his words then kisses them both on the cheek, and he feels butterflies in his stomach when he sees the adorable blush on Kate's face. His mother, of course doesn't notice, just continues to gather her things, "Okay darlings, I'm off!" and like a whirlwind, his mother is gone from the now silent loft and they are left standing in his kitchen alone.

Wordlessly, Kate places her coffee cup on the counter, then grabs his out of his hand and does the same. She grabs both of his hands and looks up into his eyes; their height difference makes him feel very masculine and for some reason in that moment it fills him with a sense of lust. He looks at the counter behind her and starts thinking about all the ways he could experience her in his kitchen. She could be naked, hot, begging for him, he could hold her up against the cold fridge and pound into her…

He comes out of his daze when he notices her giggle, and a flushed expression on her face, "Did your mind just go where I think it just went?" He's happy to note she doesn't seem offended by his imagination's voyage into the unexplored; in fact she looks almost turned on by it.

"If I say yes are you going to shoot me?" he replies jokingly, knowing now that he has no reason to fear such a punishment.

Kate seems to understand his diffusion of the situation and simply responds, "Never Castle. I'd be a hypocrite if I got upset with your active imagination." Her statement implies that she has fantasies about him as well and he can feel the heat rushing south when he considers what that could mean- what Lanie said earlier suddenly loud in his brain.

"Castle," she grabs his arms, trying to get his attention and it's then he remembers why they are there, and what he has to do next.

"Right, sorry," he smiles sheepishly, "I guess it's easy to get carried away where you're concerned."

Her smile assures him that she is perfectly okay with that, and then he swallows a gulp. Oh how he wishes he didn't have to go and have this conversation with his daughter. He wishes that he could just take Kate into his bedroom and leave his mark on her, and let her leave her mark on him. He wishes that today was all about them, all about what they've finally verbalized, all about their love, but it just can't be. Not when his child has to come first, and he's thankful that Kate seems to know that too.

"Rick I think you better go talk to her before we become incapable of separating," she says it with a sly tone, so he knows she's exaggerating, but her words are serious.

He nods his head. He's scared. He's actually scared of talking to his 18-year-old daughter, his brilliant, beautiful, amazing, and young, _so _young, daughter. But he knows this isn't going to get easier, and it would be best if he just pulled off the Band-Aid.

"I'm going to go upstairs and talk to her. As much as I wish you could hold my hand while I do, I think…" he trails off and knows that she understands, she knows this is something he has to do alone, as the single parent in his daughter's life.

"Rick I'm going to go into your office and just wait for you, and I'll be right there when you two are finished talking. Don't rush, and don't worry about me, I'll be sitting in there and I'll be waiting for you. Whatever you need," Kate's voice is so reassuring that he pulls her into a hug, and he laughs a bit when her muffled voice says, "maybe I'll sneak onto your computer and find the latest Nikki Heat novel."

He laughs, and for a brief second his mind remembers the last time he was in his office, mentally checking to make sure the murder board is off before he sends her in there. When he's sure that it wasn't left on, he releases her from the hug, "You won't leave right? You'll be here?" He hates that he sounds vulnerable and needy, but at the same time he is thankful he has someone to need.

Kate smiles gently, "I'll be here. I'm not leaving Rick, I promise."

With that, he turns and makes his way to the stairs. He glances in her direction when he reaches the bottom step, and she nods, smiles, and encourages him to go all the way up. At the top he hears the click of his office door opening, and then closing, and realizes it's time. Time to ask all the questions that have been swirling in his head since the night before.

He hesitates briefly before tapping gently on his daughter's door. Beckett's words running through his head, he has to remind himself that he needs to stay calm; if this is really happening to Alexis then she's got to be more terrified than he can imagine.

"Come in," the warm voice of his daughter answers and part of him wants to catalogue the sound of her voice as it is, so innocent, and so pure. His little girl, his amazing little girl.

He opens the door slowly and takes in the picture before him. Alexis is sitting on her bed, on top of the covers and her back against the headrest. She looks like she's been awake for a while, no longer in her pajamas and reading a book.

"Hey Dad what's up?" There is no hesitation in her voice, no fear, and he can't help but wonder why she seems so okay when his insides are waging war.

"Hey," he pauses, feeling uncomfortable, then walks inside her bedroom and sits down on her bed near her feet. "I need to talk to you about something, and I need to hear the truth from you. I won't lie to you, I care about what the truth is, but I need some answers. I won't judge you, and I promise no matter what your answers are I will love you, and support you. Can you do that for me? Can we have an honest conversation?" He's hoping his approach is clear, he doesn't want her to be scared of telling him anything, he's never considered that as part of their relationship before and just the thought alone makes him sick.

He never wanted to be the dad that his kid couldn't talk to, no matter what the subject matter was. He wishes they hadn't gotten to this place, but he knows the past year has changed his daughter a lot, and their relationship has changed as well.

"Dad you're kind of freaking me out," Alexis has put down her book by this point, and is sitting up much straighter, her legs now crossed in front of her as she takes in his expression. "I'm not going to lie to you dad, I never lie to you."

He shudders, hopes that's the truth, but knows there's many different ways a person can lie, including omission, like omitting the fact that she is sexually active. He doesn't even know if that's something that is his right to know, so is it a lie of omission? Someone really needs to write a manual on this single father to a teenage daughter thing.

"Alexis last night I went into your bathroom and I found a positive pregnancy test in the trash can, and I need you to explain to me…" he trails off, he knows the question is implied, that he doesn't need to clarify what he needs explained. His daughter is smart, and he can see in her eyes that she knows exactly what he's talking about and what he wants to know. He hates that he can see not just fear in her eyes, but anger, and he's scared for what will come next.


	6. Chapter 6

**more tonight!**

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><p>Chapter 6<p>

Maybe she'd never been in love before. That was the thought that occurred to her as she sat in Rick's office, curled up in his desk chair staring at the picture of staircases in front of her. If this is what love is, this feeling of absolute despair because the man you love is suffering and vulnerable, then maybe she'd never been in love before.

Certainly she's never been in love like this before. She had never known what it was to truly breathe and feel another person's pain as though it is your own, she didn't even know she was capable of the depth her emotions for Castle seem to reach.

Maybe that's okay, she thinks to herself; maybe it's even great. Maybe it's something she needs to tell Castle sometime, that no one has made her _feel_ more in her life than him, and they haven't even had sex yet. Just thinking about the possibility of sex with him makes her want him, drives fantasies of him and her on this desk in front of her. But she shakes those thoughts off, she needs to stay focused, because fifteen minutes ago Rick walked upstairs to ask his teenage daughter if she is pregnant, and she has to wait patiently for him to return.

Patience has never been her strong suit, and she's happy that she's seemingly able to show some when it's needed. Sitting in his office where magic happens, she can't help but be curious about all the things he has around the room. Standing, she walks over to his bookcase and glances at the titles, happy to see some titles she'll want to borrow at some point and makes a mental note to remember that for a rainy day.

As she crosses the door that leads into his bedroom, Kate can't help herself. All the times she's been to the loft and she's never been able to see where Rick Castle sleeps. She eases the door open, careful not to make any noise, though she knows he wouldn't care if she goes into his bedroom. Hell, he'd celebrate it and tell her she wasn't allowed to leave and the thought makes her giggle.

She takes in his king sized bed and rumpled sheets, and shakes her head with a laugh, neglecting to make his bed is such a Castle thing to do. When they have kids she'll have to get him to work on that. A gasp escapes her lips as she realizes where her thoughts just went, and she finds herself relieved that imagining having children with Castle doesn't make her want to run away.

After taking a quick gander at his bed and noticing a door to the left that must lead to his bathroom, she turns to leave. As she does her own reflection catches her attention and she is surprised to find a picture of herself on his nightstand. She worries he would be embarrassed if he knew she'd found it, but it fills her chest with warmth and she wishes she could hug him. She wonders about the location of this picture, and what he must do in his bed while her picture is near…

She looks back at the bed and suddenly it is too easy to picture them together in bed, just like this morning but without the clothes. Him on top of her, surrounding her, inside of her, making love to her and feeling his heartbeat against her bare chest. She nearly pants at the thought of it, and knows she has to get out of his bedroom before the lust becomes overwhelming.

Closing the door to his bedroom, Kate looks around his office again before resettling herself in his desk chair. Maybe she really should go through his laptop for Nikki Heat's newest adventure, or maybe she should write him a really dirty note and leave it on his desktop to surprise him later. With that in mind, she opens his laptop and frowns when she encounters a password.

She wasn't expecting that, but it must be simple enough. Castle is a very random person, but some things about him are very pure, and she thinks she's up to the task of cracking a password or two of his. Needless to say he'd be able to crack any of her passwords within minutes.

It takes her three guesses to get into his computer, and she smiles when she finds his desktop background is a picture of him and Alexis that must be at least ten years old. Her heart warms when she thinks about him as father, and the butterflies return to her stomach.

She sees a bunch of documents on the desktop and knows one of them must be Nikki Heat. She surprises herself by displaying a surprising amount of self-control when she chooses not to open any of them. She realizes she only wants to read Nikki Heat early if he wants her to read it early. Instead she opens up a blank word document and goes about writing one of the dirtier fantasies she's ever had about him, unable to keep a blush from her smiling face as she types.

_I'm at home, it's a regular Friday night and I have all this pent up energy because a case has wrapped up and I have nothing to do. I'm sitting on my couch, reading Heat Wave when I come across page 105 and I can't help the feeling I get from knowing you fantasize about me too. It makes me want to call you and ask you what you thought about while you were writing this, if you used these books as a way of doing more than just _verbal_ masturbation. It makes me want to tell you that I definitely do._

_A knock sounds on my door and I quickly hide the book, knowing that only you would be at my door at this time of night and I don't want to be caught doing what I was about to do. When I open the door you're standing there dressed in all black and you look good Rick, really good. Manly, and handsome, and it makes me wish that you would just throw me up against a wall already._

_And somehow, as though you are reading my mind, that is exactly what you do. Without waiting for an invite you cross the threshold of my door, close it with force and push me up against it. One of your hands squeezes my hip as the other deadbolts the door. You breathe onto my neck, onto my face, and smell my hair and I can feel the lust radiating off of you; it makes me want you more._

_I don't even both to say anything to you, I look into your eyes and hope you see my acceptance of your behaviour, I hope you see how much I want you too. Then your mouth is on mine and your tongue is in my throat and you're ripping my clothes off. My hands are on your chest, and it's just like I remember it being when we kissed before. So hard, so muscular, so unlike your personality and it sends heat through me. I rip the shirt open and buttons fly everywhere and you chuckle in my ear, but say nothing. _

_I look up into your eyes and you say nothing, just move your hand over my bare chest. I gasp, your hand feels like it was made to touch me, and I furiously work at your belt buckle. Once you've explored my chest I feel your hands tugging on my pants, pulling them down and I feel no insecurity, I just step out of my pants and stand there in my living room, completely naked. You look at my eyes before your gaze traces my body and I'm pleased when I can see the results of your study. You pants are tented and just knowing how much you want me makes me want you more._

"_Lose the pants Rick," my voice is throaty, and it seems to light a spark in your actions. You rip your pants off anxiously and join me in nakedness. I let my hand wander to your now exposed—_

"Hey," Beckett hears Castle's voice in the doorway to his office and almost panics. He definitely just caught her writing smut about them and she wants to take the time to erase all of it before he sees. She hopes he hasn't noticed the blush on her face, but knows he likely has. She quickly presses CRTL + S and saves the document to the desktop, under "untitled" and is almost sorry she didn't get to finish it.

When she glances up in his direction he is still standing at the door to the office and shifts her attention to him, taking in the defeat in his stance. Standing quickly, she comes over to him and takes both his hands, guiding him to sit on the couch in his office and cuddling right up next to him, embracing him.

She doesn't speak, she knows he'll say something when he's ready and even though her curiosity is slowly killing her patience, she waits. She glances at his murder board and knows the newest Nikki Heat novel must all be sketched out on there. He'd told her a few weeks ago it was nearly finished, but he wouldn't give her any details and she finds herself wanting to look for spoilers. She remembers the first time she came into his office and how she'd looked at his murder board and been impressed with the detail he puts into his fictional murders. She lets her curious mind think about that while she tries to be patient, waiting for him to find his voice.


	7. Chapter 7

**Okay! Last one for today... There are still 3 more chapters after this one. What started as a short story grew astronomically. I wrote all of it in less than 48 hours. I guess 47 seconds really messed with my brain and made me need something positive. I hope you all enjoy, this is the resolution to the Alexis cliffhanger. Thanks for reading and reviewing!**

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><p>Chapter 7<p>

When Castle finished talking to Alexis he ventured back downstairs and for a brief second he nearly panicked. What if Beckett found the murder board? What if she found it and left in a rage? He can feel the anxiety rising in his chest, and feels it dissipate immediately when he opens the door to his office and finds Beckett seemingly entranced by something on his laptop screen. His entrance doesn't grab her attention, so he uses a quiet voice to say, "Hey."

He sees how panic runs through her eyes, and can't help but wonder what she found on there. Maybe she's reading _Frozen Heat_ without his permission and is worried he'll be mad. He notices the flush on her face and thinks maybe she found a sex scene in his novel, he wants to smile at the thought but his head is just swirling with all the information he processed in the past 45 minutes.

She seems to notice that he is still standing at the door and suddenly she's in front of him, guiding him to sit and be comfortable. He's happy when he feels her embrace him as they sit on his couch, and he knows it must be killing her not to say anything. He notices her eyes linger on his murder board and wonders if she can feel his heart speed up when he briefly considers the consequences of the secret on that screen. He shakes it off, and knows right now that secret has to wait.

"It wasn't hers," he says quietly, and he can hear the relief in his own voice. He feels Beckett exhale against his neck and her hands run through his hair, "But she is having sex." He shudders, and she seems to grip him a bit tighter.

"What did she tell you?" Kate asks, and he knows she wants to know how she can help him through this, wants to know if there are reassurances she can provide.

"I guess one of her friends, she won't tell me who, came over because she didn't want her parents to catch her taking the test and figured Alexis has the 'cool dad'," his voice breaks a bit because he's not sure he qualifies as that anymore, or if he even wants to when 'cool dad' might translate to 'dad too immature to be a grown up' in his daughter's eyes.

"She's upset with me for going into her bathroom and invading her privacy," he can hear the disbelief in his voice, because he thinks that is ridiculous, and that Alexis has no right to be upset about something like that. He was taking out the garbage, like he does every week. He can tell Kate wants to agree with him from the look on her face, but she says nothing, and waits for him to continue.

"After we cleared up the pregnancy test thing I decided it was time to ask her about," ugh, he wants to throw up just thinking about this, "about that part of her life, and about her relationship with Ashley."

Kate nods, and runs her fingers gently through his hair, "I think it's good you talked to her Rick. I know that teenage girls and their fathers have a don't ask don't tell policy about sex, hell, I still have that policy with my dad, but it's different when you're a single dad." He nods, because he knows she's right.

"I told her that I don't want her to be afraid to talk to me, to be so scared of my reaction that she keeps something like that from me. Especially because now that I know, I'm sure it played into her break up with Ashley and I'm so sure that she wanted to say something to me and didn't think she could," a tear slips down his cheek and he's grateful that Kate catches it with her thumb but says nothing. "Her behaviour since Ashley moved is making more sense to me now, she has been really different."

"It's intense," Kate strokes his cheek affectionately, "your first love, your first time, there's a lot that comes with it that you aren't prepared for. I know I wasn't at her age."

He nods, and knows it's true, and he can't help but hate that he couldn't give Alexis a mother to talk to, someone like Kate who had been there and could've helped her with what she went through. "That's the thing though, I don't know," he meets her eyes, "the first time for a guy is really different than for a girl. I think so anyway. I think maybe the first time with someone significant, like between us, is different, but when I was a teenager it was just awesome. It didn't open some new emotional thing for me. Not like it clearly did for her, and like I know it does for a lot of girls."

Kate nods, and smiles at his comment, he knows she understands what he's saying. Sex doesn't matter for him the same way unless the person matters. It's hard to explain, but he knows that connecting with Kate will be different than women who came before her. "This makes me want to kill Ashley."

He sees a small grin on Kate's face, and he smiles in return when she says, "It's hot when you get all protective." There's a teasing look in her eye but he knows she's being honest.

"I think she figures he broke up with her and ignored her because she wasn't there to have sex with, and what if she's right? What message is that sending her? He never struck me as a bad guy, but he was the one telling her they could do the long distance and then he disappeared on her as soon as he left for school. I even encouraged their relationship. What if he just said that to her to get her to give it up? And what if she listened and did it because she didn't have anyone to talk to, to tell her that's not how love should be?" He knows his words are exposing his gooey center, and can't bring himself to care. He wants Kate to know his thoughts on this, and wants to know that he isn't being an unreasonable father with these questions.

"Rick I really hate to tell you this, but it's completely possible you are right," he nods, and is strangely glad she isn't lying to him, "But it's also possible you are wrong. When I was a teenager I had sex before I was ready and I had a mother to talk to, a mother who would've been easy to talk to and I just chose not to. Sometimes it doesn't matter if we have someone to talk to, sometimes we make choices without advice, and we have to live with the consequences," her words feel slightly more reassuring this time.

"Sometimes I really hate that I couldn't give my daughter a mother, and a real family. The only reason I've been married twice is because I was trying so hard to do exactly that and I hate that I couldn't succeed. I hate that she had to grow up with only me as a dad," he knows he sounds down on himself, but he can't help it. He doesn't want to have to hide his feelings from her, not anymore, and not ever again.

The look on her face tells him she's grateful for his candor, and she kisses him gently. "Rick I'm telling you right now that having you as a dad makes Alexis the luckiest girl in the world. Plenty of kids have two parents that aren't half as loving or caring as you are. Maybe your marriages didn't work out, but I promise you, being a father is something you have never failed at." His heart clenches at her genuine words, and she smiles at him. He'll never get tired of seeing her face light up in his direction like she's never seen anyone better.

"It makes you want me right?" The joke comes out of his mouth before he can stop himself and he's glad she laughs, and feels his own laughter bubbling in his chest.

She smiles at him, then sits up, shifting her body and before he knows what's happening, she's straddling his legs and looking down into his face. "Yes Rick, it makes me want you," her sultry tone is enough to take his mind completely away from the previous topic, and he squeezes her hips in response.

She leans down to take his lips in hers, taking control of the kiss and slowly edging her tongue into his mouth, exploring and tasting every part of him she can reach. He groans, he can't help it, and completely doesn't want to stop it. The hands he has resting on her waist drift a bit lower and suddenly he realizes that Kate Beckett's ass is firmly in his hands. He's allowed to do this now; it's no longer a fantasy, he can actually squeeze her ass in his hands and caress it. He can't believe his good fortune when Kate lets out a moan in response to his hands on her body.

She moves to his neck, trailing kisses along it, up to the sensitive spot just beneath his ear and his hips jump on their own accord when he feels her tongue against him. God he never wants this to end. She sits down on his lap, wraps her arms around his neck and looks at his face, a seductive smile tracing her lips and he knows he must be grinning like an idiot.

It is in that moment that he notices the murder board over her shoulder, and he knows he can't do this. He can't make love to her while withholding something this large from her, it could ruin what they're building before they even truly begin.

She seems to sense his change in mood and as his eyes meet hers, he sees confusion. Already he can tell that she is hurt by his sudden withdrawal from their embrace. "Kate," he needs to fix that look in her eye right now, "I really want to do this, god you have no idea how badly I want to do this, it's been so long for me and I can't even tell you how badly I want you. But I need to tell you something first because I want us to start this right."

She nods, but he can tell she is still a bit confused, though the hurt seems to have dissipated from her eyes and he can't believe that she must've thought he was rejecting her. Like he would ever be able to reject her.

"Okay Castle," she says and she shifts off his lap, back to his side, though she keeps a hand on his thigh. He misses the weight of her on top of him already, and is filled with resentment towards himself for stopping what would've been the best way ever to end this self imposed abstinence streak.

He groans aloud at the loss, and she giggles. When he meets her eyes, he can see the laughter there, and he laughs too when she says, "Sorry writer boy, you get no sympathy from me. You stopped us; I'm hating you as much as you're hating yourself right now. It's probably been just as long for me as it's been for you, or did Lanie not make that clear enough earlier?"

He chuckles, and can't help his curiosity in, "How long exactly?" He knows he doesn't really have a right to ask, but he can't help himself. He's been so curious about her break up with Josh and everything since then, he just wants to know. He sees in her eyes that his question didn't surprise her, so maybe she's just as curious about him.

"I'll tell you right now, for the record, that I'm currently in the longest drought of my entire life. My teenage daughter has had more sex than I have in the past year," he shudders at this realization, and it surprises him when Beckett's eyebrows go up, like the information he just divulged truly wasn't expected. "You thought differently?"

Kate looks like she's trying to find the right words, so he gives her a second before trying to say anything further. "Honestly Castle I just didn't want to assume I was lucky enough that you were going to wait for me. I know you're not a saint," she pauses, and lowers her voice, "I know you have needs and all that, we all do."

She looks strangely uncomfortable talking about the 'needs' he has, and he feels compelled to tell her, "Kate there hasn't been anyone since Gina and I broke up. I didn't want just _anyone_, and I didn't _need_ just anyone." There's a look in her eyes he can't quite decipher, it almost looks like guilt, but when she blinks it's gone and replaced by affection.

"Well you deserve to know that I broke up with Josh before I even checked out of the hospital. I may not have been ready to be with you, but I knew what you said to me was true, I had been hiding in relationships with men I didn't love and I didn't want that anymore, it wasn't enough," he appreciates her honesty and he feels an unexpected sense of relief when she makes it clear that Josh hasn't seen her scars.

"No one Castle, not since even before Montgomery's funeral. It's been a long time for me too," when she meets his eyes he notes more vulnerability there than he's ever seen before, "and my body looks different now than it did before that day. I have scars, marks… damage."

He almost can't believe his ears; did Kate Beckett seriously think she looked damaged?

"Kate as sad as I am I never got to see you naked before you were shot, that has nothing to do with scars. Nothing could mar your beauty in my eyes," knowing he needs to add a personal flair to the statement, "I've wanted you naked and under me since the moment I met you. That hasn't changed, although the location can. I'm partial to being under you as well. If you like. Only the nudity part is mandatory."

She giggles and smiles, his desired outcome, and he's thankful that she seems to have relaxed.

"Okay, talking about how pathetic our sex lives have been in the past year is not why you stopped us Castle, so what's going on?" her tone is light, but he can tell she needs some answers. Now the part he was dreading- telling her what he's been doing.

A knock on his office door breaks their eye contact, he's almost happy he has some extra time to prepare himself to divulge his actions. He yells for Alexis to come in, thankful that Kate is no longer straddling his lap, and when she enters the room he can tell she is surprised that he is not alone in his office.

"Oh, Detective Beckett," her eyes seem to narrow in his direction, "I didn't know you were here."

"Hi Alexis," Kate's voice is even, as though she's trying not to betray any emotion, maybe even like she doesn't think it's necessary that Alexis know she's aware of the pregnancy test scandal.

"What's up Alexis?" He has to say he's at least a bit surprised to see her standing in front of them, he figured she'd be avoiding his presence and gaze for at least a day until the awkwardness of their conversation and her displeasure at his "invasion" of her privacy had dissipated.

"I just wanted to talk to you for a sec Dad, but it can wait," he can't let that happen, not right now, and he immediately calls her back.

"Alexis, come on, we can talk now," he feels Kate squeeze his hand and knows she's about to vacate the room to give them space, but he doesn't want that. He wants Alexis to know that he has told Kate everything, he doesn't want to make the mistake he made with Gina and keep Alexis away from Kate. He wants them all to have honest communication between them, and it needs to start now. "I need," he pauses, grasps Kate's hand tightly as if to reassure her that her presence is needed, "We need to talk to you anyway."

Kate and Alexis both look unsure at his words, but he continues on. "Why don't you come sit down?" He gestures to the seat next to the couch and he is thankful when his daughter sits after only a few moments of hesitation.

"I'll talk first, because you deserve to know Alexis that I have spoken with Kate about everything we discussed earlier. I'm sorry if that makes you uncomfortable but I really needed someone to talk to, and Kate is my partner," he can practically feel the intensity of Kate's gaze, but she says nothing. He knows she is waiting for the response his daughter clearly has ready at the tip of her tongue.

Instead of waiting for Alexis to add to the situation, he decides it's best to be totally upfront, "Alexis you also need to know that Kate and I are together now, and you'll be seeing much more of her around the loft. I hope so anyway," he glances to Kate who meets his eyes and nods, smiling shyly.

Alexis seems to consider this for a few moments, and a silence falls over the room. "I can't say I'm totally surprised by this development Dad, but since when do you share our relationship with a third party. No offense Kate, but usually when I talk to my dad about something I'm only talking to my dad about it, not his girlfriend." Her tone has a bite to it that he knows Kate picked up on, and he feels her tense.

"Alexis, Kate has been in our lives for a long time, so you should know by now that she isn't just _some_ girlfriend. I'm in love with her, you know that too. And-" his voice is cut off when Kate speaks for the first time.

"I'm in love with him too Alexis," Kate pauses, and waits for recognition of this statement to flash in Alexis' eyes, "I know you and I haven't talked much lately, or at all really since my shooting. With the exception of the day outside that bank, but I'd like that to change." He places a hand on her leg and squeezes, thankful that she's voicing her thoughts aloud. He knows it's a big step in the right direction.

Alexis doesn't have a visible reaction, and he silently curses himself for teaching her how to have a poker face. "Okay," she says and stands, as though to leave.

He catches her sleeve and quickly reminds her, "didn't you have something you wanted to talk about?"

Alexis looks down at him, then at Kate, and turns her body towards them, "I just wanted to say I'm sorry I got upset about you going into my bathroom. I realize I overreacted and normally, that wouldn't have bothered me. So I'm sorry. And I'm sorry I got so upset with you for jumping to conclusions."

He has a weird balance of pride and sadness at her words. The sounds out of her mouth are the things he wanted to hear, but he can't help feeling like she is holding back from him. "Okay," he says at last, "I'm sorry I made assumptions too Pumpkin." He sees a shadow of a smile on her face at the familiar moniker, and he gives her a small, encouraging grin. "You okay Alexis?" he asks.

"Yeah Dad," and he's relieved to see a bit of light in her eyes, "I think I'll be just fine." He does nothing to stop her now as she goes to leave the room. He turns his head back to Kate, who is still staring at the door and doesn't look back at him until he hears a click, which tells him Alexis left.

"She really doesn't like me anymore," Kate says quietly, and he can tell she needs him to speak up, the vulnerability in her expression so unlike her usual mask of calm.

"Alexis is going to have a hard time with the fact that she has to share me. She already knows that how I feel about you is different than anyone who's been in my life before, and she knows what we have is real. That's all it is Kate, she's just not used to sharing my attention," he smiles at her, "though really, she should be by now, you've had me enraptured for years."

She smiles at him and although he can tell the problem is still weighing on her mind, he knows there's nothing more he can say or do except give the situation time. Give Alexis time to see that they are going to last, and give Kate time to adjust to being with a single Dad.

"So what did you want to talk to me about so badly that you interrupted sex?" He can hear the tease in her voice, and then he realizes what he has to tell her.


	8. Chapter 8

**hey y'all. i'll try and get the rest of the story up today. hope you all enjoy it. thanks for reading!**

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><p>Chapter 8<p>

She can tell from the look on his face that he'd rather go back to talking about Alexis, but as she just reminded him, it wasn't her that brought up whatever it is that he doesn't want to talk about but feels compelled too. She allows him a few more seconds of contemplation before she tries to startle him out of his head, "Rick?"

His attention shifts back to her, and he turns towards her, facing her on the couch and taking her hands in his. She can already tell she is not going to like whatever comes next.

"Before I tell you what I'm going to tell you, I need you to remember that I love you and I need you to remember how it felt for you when I was inside that bank, because if you felt anything like I did when you were shot, then you'll understand why I've been doing what I've been doing." The more he talks, the less she likes what's coming, but she nods, her patience waning.

"When you returned to the precinct do you remember how I convinced you that we should drop your mom's case until we had a solid lead? That we should wait, let things settle?" He sounds as though he has rehearsed this before, and suddenly she's filled with the awareness that he has been investigating her mother's murder behind her back. Her first reaction is to be angry, but she can't, not when she doesn't know why he's done what he's done. There has to be a reason. A good one. He wouldn't just risk their entire relationship for nothing. And what does it have to do with how he felt when she was shot?

"The truth is I was told to keep you away from it. A man phoned me and told me that if you dropped it then Montgomery had set up a blackmail agreement to guarantee your safety, but if you didn't, they'd kill you," he keeps eye contact with her as he says it, and suddenly his motivation makes sense to her. He was doing anything he could to keep her safe, even from herself.

"You didn't trust that I could hear that without running after whatever we found guns blazing right? You assumed if I knew that had happened I'd run it down until I got myself killed?" she doesn't mean to sound accusatory, but she knows she does. She just wants him to admit to it, wants to know what he must've been thinking. She wants him to know that she has realized he didn't trust her.

"I had asked you before to stop Kate, I asked you that night before the hanger, and I begged you to back off because your dad and Montgomery both told me I was the only one you'd listen to. After I got that phone call I knew you wouldn't listen to me because you hadn't when I'd tried before and I just," he pauses and she can see that he is willing himself to keep the tears at bay, "I swear Kate if I ever have to see you on the ground and bleeding to death in front of me again, if I ever have to witness you flat line in an ambulance I don't know how I'll ever survive. I don't think I can come back from it again."

She takes a deep breath and she considers his words. When she remembers how it felt to be outside that bank, feeling that bomb go off and thinking for sure he was gone from her life forever, she feels less inclined towards anger. "So you've been investigating it since the phone call? Behind my back?"

He says nothing, only nods his reply and she finds herself going through the time since her return to the precinct in her brain. Were there signs she had missed that something was going on with him? Was she so self involved that she didn't know? Or was he that good an actor?

Does it even matter anymore? She knows she can't be investigating her mother's murder, not if she ever wants to be free from it. She wants her life to be more than that; she _needs _her life to be more than that. Maybe this is her chance to claim that, to accept the desire that first occurred to her after that sniper case. Maybe this is the moment, the crossroads of her life; she has two options and stands at the precipice of something more. Should she dive back into the dark, deep, tunnel of her mother's murder, or can she let it go? Be happy? Live with the love of her life and be _more_?

After a few minutes she hears him say her name, and comes out of her quiet reflection.

"Castle I want you to show me everything you know. And then I want us to package it up together, stick it in your safe and not look at it again," her decision is made, but she can tell her words have surprised him, and that he wants to ask her why she isn't upset.

"Castle since my mother died everything in my life has been defined by her death. Until that sniper case I never even recognized that or what it means. But it meant that I was really blind and really lost in grief in a way that I never recognized. It wasn't healthy. I told you that I want to be better, that I want to move past my grief enough to be able to live happily, and I still want that." She knows she could be more explicit, but right now she just wants to know he won't do this anymore.

"Rick," she waits for his eyes to meet hers, "I need you to promise me you will let this go. I know you don't want to, but I need you to. I need to move past my mother's death and in order to do that I need to not be chasing the people responsible for it. I need to know that you are safe, and that you are not doing anything that could put you in danger in some misguided attempt to give me or my mother justice."

"But Kate it's not misguided. I know you and I know how badly you want this. You've wanted this more than anything the entire time I've known you," the look on his face tells her he isn't hearing her, not really.

She stands up off the couch and she can tell he's sure she's about to leave. His expression changes to surprise and confusion when she kneels down in front of him, hands on his knees. "Rick, I want you more," his eyes light up and she can't help but feel wonderful at the thought that she can put that look on his face.

"My life needs to be more than my mother's death. You're right about a lot of things about me, and until these past few months you might've even been right about me not wanting anything more than justice. But I want a life with you, I want to be happy. I want us to have a real shot at a future, and we can't do that if we're living in the past. It's time to set the past aside."

She feels his hand caress her face, his touch so soft it makes her feel breakable, "What if something happens? What if the case comes into our lives by chance, like it did with Detective Raglan?"

The possibility has certainly crossed her mind before, "Castle if that happens we'll take it as it comes. Together. I hope that doesn't happen for a long time, because I need time," she is a bit uncomfortable with her next admission, and it seems much easier to concentrate on his chest than his face. "I've been working with my therapist to deal with my grief. It's helping a lot, and I know now that the only thing I need is for you to be in my life, and to know that you are safe. And you can't be safe if you're pursuing this Castle. No one can be safe if you are pursuing this. So I need you to put it behind us, at least for now."

She sees comprehension in his eyes, and he nods. She smiles at him and is rewarded with him pulling her up and into his lap. "Do you want to know everything I know right now? Then we can lock it up?"

She does. The sooner the better as far as she's concerned, and then they can move onto more important things, like seeing if she's a virgin again for real, or if it just feels that way.

"How about we go make some food, maybe see if Alexis wants to join us for brunch and then we can go through the information you have?" She responds, cuddling into his lap and pressing a kiss to his temple. She can feel the grin on his cheeks as he nods his head.

"I think that's a good plan," he responds and turns his face towards her. She leans in and gives him a brief but full kiss, "God I love you." There's no stopping the grin she feels spreading across her face, nor the butterflies in her stomach.

"Good. That'll make it much easier to get you into bed," she giggles, and loves that he responds with laughter, loves that she can make him laugh the way he makes her laugh.

She stands up, holds out her hand, and pulls him up, "Come on, I'm hungry."

He unabashedly leers at her, and responds, "I'm starving."


	9. Chapter 9

**This ones a bit shorter than the previous... i have no aptitude for writing racy scenes. i'll post the final chapter later today. thanks for reading!**

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><p>Chapter 9<p>

After having a brief and incredibly awkward lunch with Alexis they're back in his office. He has to admit he's concerned about the way Alexis is reacting to his relationship with Kate. He wonders if it's just about his attention being split, or if it's more about her own break up and feelings of loneliness. He knows the only thing that will heal her is time, but he can't help but wish she was more accepting of the change in status with Kate. It's a shame this didn't happen sooner, for a lot of reasons, but especially because until the past year Alexis adored Kate. He's still not totally sure when that changed, though her shooting seems to stick out in his mind as a likely possibility.

But at least Kate is still there.

He can't believe she's still there. They just spent two hours sifting through all the information on his murder board, which admittedly, wasn't much more than she already knew, but she's still there. She's sitting next to him on the couch in his office, with her hand on his thigh, spreading warmth through his entire body and he just can't believe it.

"You're thinking pretty loudly," he hears the light tone in her voice and he can't help but grin. She's in love with him, and he can't believe that it's possible she feels the same way about him as he does her.

"I guess I'm still surprised," he answers, "I honestly thought that showing you this murder board, telling you about Mr. Smith and that case with the mayor and everything. I thought you'd leave, that you'd hate me for keeping this from you."

The way her head tilts from side to side while she considers his words is completely adorable.

"Castle I'm more upset that you had any secret at all, than what the secret was," he didn't see that coming, but she continues, "I hate that we both kept secrets from each other for so long, when all it did was delay this, delay us." Her hand squeezes his leg, "When I think about all the miscommunications and assumptions that have happened between us, how much earlier we could've been here, been at this place," he nods, and she carries on, "I guess it just makes me hope we can change that. Stop relying on what we're not saying, and start using our words to say what we need to say."

He completely agrees with her, it's why he wanted to talk with Alexis this morning with her present. "I know. I'm tired of us hurting each other when we don't even know it. I'm tired of feeling like shit because I didn't just ask you something, so let's start this right. Honesty," he pauses, and grips her hand in his, "I know we haven't really talked about my past, about my marriages. I know you have questions, and you deserve the answers, I don't want to hide anything from you. I don't want to make the same mistakes that I've made before."

"I know you have questions too Rick," he definitely does, so he's glad to hear that she seems open to answering questions, "I want to share things with you too. It's not exactly easy for me to open up, and, I know I'm not an easy person to get to know," she smiles at him, and her words spark a memory in his brain of a time nearly two years ago when she said something similar, "I want you to know me Castle, and I really want to know you."

Her hand loosens in his and he feels her brush his cheek lightly, before kissing him chastely. He takes the opportunity to wrap his arm her shoulders, and breathe in the smell of her hair. She doesn't smell like cherries anymore, she hasn't since after that summer he spent in the Hamptons. It's a spicier scent now, one he finds less innocent than cherries. He likes it, but he has always wondered why she switched from cherries.

Sitting there with her in his embrace, it's hard to believe how far they've come.

"I think maybe it's for the best this way," this thought has passed through his mind several times since he arrived at her house last night, "if I had showed you this board before you were ready we wouldn't be having this conversation at all. And I think it would've been really hard for us not to be together if you'd told me that you heard me, but weren't ready to be with me," he smiles softly at her, "maybe we weren't ready." The bitterness of her secret has faded for him, and he knows that with time any leftover animosity from his secret will fade in her as well. "Maybe the universe was conspiring to get us together, but knew we needed time to grow first."

Her eyes light up at his words and she laughs, just as he expected her to.

"Wow Castle, that is some theory you have going there," she's giggling and shaking her head, and when she meets his eyes she has that wonderful glint in them that tells him she's about to say something he will like, "but I can't say I have a better theory. Maybe you'll convince me to believe in fate one day after all."

He can't not kiss her, not after that. He feels her gasp of surprise as his mouth meets hers, gently, and he smiles into the kiss when he feels her return his affection. The hand that was on his thigh has moved to his chest, her other hand is in his hair and he can't help the moan that escapes when he feels her nimble fingers on his ears. He gently puts his hands on her waist, maneuvering them so she is flat on her back, and he doesn't let the kiss break as he moves over her.

His hand is running up her thigh and he feels her gasp before he hears it. He can't believe he gets to touch her legs this way, it's like all his fantasies come true; well almost true, after all, she isn't naked yet. He moves to her neck, kissing, sucking and licking his way across her jaw and to her ear and back, and feels her hands in his hair and on his back, encouraging him and asking silently for more.

When he feels her fingers undoing the buttons on his shirt he pulls back, just far enough to look into her clouded eyes, and smiles. She grins at him, a faint blush on her cheeks but he's certain it's from lust rather than embarrassment.

"Why don't we go into my room?" he asks, remembering how easily Alexis could have caught them earlier, and knowing he wants nothing to interrupt the next few hours.

The hands on his chest push him backwards and he watches from his knees as Kate stands up, turns to him and holds out her hands. He eagerly grabs them, spins her towards him and kisses her again. He can feel her smile into his mouth and it makes him want more.

Grabbing her thighs, he lifts her onto his body, and whether she's lighter than he expected, or he's high on adrenaline, it doesn't matter, he can't tell. He just knows that he needs to get them to his bed right now.

He makes quick work of crossing his office, kicking his bedroom door open and shut and depositing her on his mattress. He really should have made his bed yesterday, but it looks better than ever with her on top of his rumpled sheets. He grins down at her, neglecting to break eye contact. Then he feels her ankles around his back and he's being pulled forwards onto the bed, onto her.

He can feel her giggling at the contact, while she deftly finishes undoing the buttons on his shirt. He shrugs his shirt off and pulls hers over her head, revealing a black lace bra underneath. He can't help when his eyes are drawn to the small, round scar on her chest, just large enough for a bullet hole. Her hands still, and he knows she must be feeling insecure.

He smiles at her, his eyes noticing the clouds her in eyes clear at his words, "You're beautiful Kate."

She smiles at him, then rolls her eyes, "C'mon writer boy, you already got me into bed. You can lose the sweet talk," he grins at her response, and lunges towards her, covering her lips with his own.


	10. Chapter 10

**This fic turned into a much longer one than i ever planned on writing, but it all fell out of my brain really quickly, as in, less than 48 hours. Thanks for reading, i hope you like it. I appreciate all the positive feedback i've had thus far, it's very encouraging. I hope you enjoy the conclusion! please R & R!**

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><p>Chapter 10<p>

The moonlight is dancing across his room, making shadows and casting light on the clothes strewn about around his bed. She smiles to herself, his bed. She is in his bed. It's 4am, and her entire body is humming and exhausted from the day and then night of sex. She's thankful that sex is apparently much like riding a bicycle- you can just hop right back on. She giggles; apparently multiple orgasms make her a giggler. She didn't know that about herself. Or it has been so long since she's had them that she has forgotten.

She's flat her back, her once braided hair is loose and all over the place, Rick's hand is on her stomach and he is happily resting on his side, right next to her, surely wondering where her giggles are coming from. If the grin on her face is as ridiculous as the one on his, she knows they're both in trouble.

"I wonder what Gates will say when I take two personal days in a row," she muses aloud, still giggling.

"I know what Lanie will say," Castle's tone is light and happy and if she's right, she detects a bit of pride in there too.

She can't suppress the eye roll reaction, "Yes Writer Man, I know what she'll say too." He grins like a little boy at her comment; it makes her smile grow, and she needs to touch him again. She moves her hand through his hair, still damp from the exertion of their day. "Have we really been in bed this long?"

His laugh is noisy in the quiet room, and he seems to be considering her question, "I know we came in here 2ish? But we had dinner right? And then…" he trails off, and she's very pleased to see a blush forming on his cheeks.

"Then I gave you dessert," she says coyly and smiles when his laughter is his reward.

"Best dessert ever, in fact, I'd like to make it a nightly special," he replies, and she feels butterflies in her stomach at the pleased look that comes over his features while he looks at her.

Just thinking about the dessert she served him makes her want to go again, which is astounding considering how little sleep she's had in the past two days, "I'm very glad to know I haven't lost my touch."

They're both quiet for a second, before she remembers the picture he keeps next to his bed of her, and has to ask, "How long have you had that picture of me next to your bed?"

He looks thoroughly surprised by her question, "How did you have time to notice that picture?"

"I may have snuck in here earlier while you were talking to Alexis. Now, no avoiding the question or I'll ask you to describe every activity you've ever done while looking at that picture," she knows he can tell she's teasing, but a dark flash runs through his eyes and she suddenly wants to know more.

"It's been there since the summer, when you were gone. I just wanted you close to me," his response is so genuine, and accompanied with such vulnerability that she feels bad for even asking. She knows how bad the summer must've been for him, she shouldn't bring it up, even accidentally.

That in mind, she turns her entire body towards him and runs a hand up and down his chest, "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have teased you. I just assumed it was there as a masturbatory aid," she smiles as she says it, hoping to keep the mood light.

He laughs, "I never said it wasn't," his response is quick and takes her off guard. Soon she's laughing and looking back at the picture of herself, and then her mind goes back to their earlier activities, a shudder of pleasure runs through her at the thought.

"I need some pictures of you to take home with me. For nights when we're apart, because relying on your novels alone was great for helping me through a lean year, but now that I've had you I think I need a visual aid," she can tell she's shocked him and laughs when he kisses her again, rolling her on top of him. When he releases her lips and lets his head fall back on the pillow his eyes are radiating joy.

"Remind me to grab my Polaroid camera from the office tomorrow and we can have a naughty photo shoot before we head into the precinct," she laughs at his words, and nods, that's actually something she would enjoy, and they both fall silent.

She rests her head on his chest, his heartbeat in her ear, taking in the feeling of his naked body beneath her. The adoration he has for her, and the magic of them in bed together is a feeling she knows she'll never tire of.

"I can't wait to tell my mother about this."

For a second she thinks he's kidding, but he sounds really serious. She looks up from his chest and into his face, knowing the question must be obvious, and not expecting to have to voice it. He hasn't explained himself yet, so she asks, "Surely you're not talking about what I think you're talking about are you? You're not actually going to tell your mother we spent 12 hours in bed together are you?"

He laughs and that does nothing to comfort her. He must be able to tell she isn't getting the joke, because he finally says, "No of course not," his grin makes it clear to her that he's thinking about the 12 hours in bed together much more than answering her question.

She flicks his nipple, "Rick!"

He jumps and grabs her offending hand, "Sorry, sorry. Not what I meant. My mother has been bugging me to get laid for months, and now I can tell her I have."

She has at least five questions from that statement, but settles for one, "Why has your mother been bugging you to get laid?"

He smiles softly, "I think she was worried that we'd never get here and that I'd never find this with you. She was worried I was losing my mojo."

Now she understands, his mother was scared he'd be alone, that his feelings for her would never be returned. "Okay," she kisses his chest, "You have my permission to tell your mom that we had sex all day today. You can even tell her I'm taking two personal days in a row so we can sleep and then continue our reintroduction to the world of sex."

He laughs, shaking his head and she knows that's he's taken her words the right way. She wants him to tell his mother that he's happy, and that he's not in any danger of being alone.

His hands are gentle as they graze her spine, and then trace her sides, she's thankful when he spends no extra time on the scar from her surgery. He treats her like she's whole, not as parts that have been stitched back together and it makes her feel cherished.

"I love you Rick," she can't help the smile that forms on her face as she looks down at him, and she's happy to see that her words elicit the same response from him.

Suddenly he rolls them over and she is staring up at his face, her hands on his chest, while his find purchase on her cheek and on her waist "I love you Kate." She can't help but think of that day in the graveyard when their positions were similar, but the emotions were much more confused. As he leans down to kiss her, her heart speeds up, alive, racing and so ready for more.

"Rick its time for some more dessert."


End file.
